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An 86 year old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal.

The doctor says, “Gary everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Gary replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight so he has fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, “poof” the light goes on. When I am done, “poof” the light goes off.”

“Wow that is incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day the doctor calls Gary’s wife. “Marianne, he says, Gary is doing fine but I had to call you because I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and “poof” the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, “poof” the light goes off?”

“OH MY GOD!” Marianne exclaims.

“He is peeing in the refrigerator again!!!!”

Q. How are women and tornadoes alike?
A. They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave.

Q. How can you tell you are in a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.